When I was in law school, I lived with my friend, who we’ll call Tony Twist (because he’s from St. Louis, has a goatee and fights like a hockey goon). Tony Twist was like a brother to me (except that he never beat me up and told me that I was adopted and was about to be sold to the circus…for lion food). When I was in a fight and almost lost my eye, it was Tony Twist who drove me to the hospital, so he’s like family. His family also had me over at their house plenty of times for Thanksgiving and stuff like that. I guess it’s because people from the Midwest are nice. And when I say “nice” I mean REAL nice, like Midwesterners are, not phoney nice like southerners. (five minutes after he reads this, I will get a nasty email from my friend Rebel Yell, who’s from Mississippi).
Back to the story…
So I meet them out at Gordon Biersch (sp?) a place that’s sorta like TGI Fridays, but with more kinds of beer and better pasta.
Here’s the family. Dad has a wicked sense of humor, and a black belt in practical jokes. Scrappy Doo is now married with a kid (this is a big change for him. Last time I saw him, he almost got himself, me and his brother arrested for fist-fighting with rednecks in the parking lot of a Jack in the Box). And Mom will be nominated for sainthood one day for putting up with the rest of them.
This is Scrappy’s wife. He got her to go out with him by using the Jedi Mind Trick. Mad skillz, on that one.
This is the daughter.
Ummmm…hi…did you say "Ninja"? Whatever...
This kid is really funny, by the way. During dinner she stood up in her seat, turned around, and sat on the table…in her pasta.
Ninja: That kid’s got talent. What my blog needs is more slapstick humor. I want to hire her to write for my blog.
Wife: But she can’t even spell.
Ninja: Neither can I…what’s your point?
Here’s a group pic outside.
Things I discovered on this trip:
- Tony Twist’s family is still really nice.
- Dad still has a wicked sense of humor.
- Mom get's really mad when you try to pay for their dinner
- Even Scrappy get’s less sex after marriage and a kid…there’s no hope for any of us.
Regarding the last point: He told me “I thought everyone was kidding about not having sex after you get married and have a kid, but it’s true.” Maybe that's why I'm so afraid of getting married. Without sex, what's the point in living with a girl and pretending to be interested in what she's thinking?
It reminds me of something my friend [name omitted in case his wife reads this and withholds what little sex he has left] told me.
Anon: Yeah, man…it’s like you’re having lot’s of sex, then you get married and the sex get’s cut in half. Then you have one kid and BAM…it gets cut in half again. Then you have another kid and BAM…it gets cut in half again. If I have another kid, I’ll be celibate.
Ninja: Wow…that’s fcuked up.
Anon: Yeah…it’s been so long since I’ve had it, that I probably couldn’t pick my wife’s poo-nanny out of a police line up.
Ninja: You don’t think you’re not getting laid has anything to do with you calling your wife’s "Hoo-Ha" a "Poo-Nanny."
Anon: No….it’s not like I called it something gross…like a vagina.
Ninja: Uhhhh…good point.
So what have we learned from this experience.
a) probably nothing
b) even the Jedi Mind Trick won’t keep you getting sex after marriage/children
c) Gordon Biersch has terrible parking on nites when there is a game at the MCI Center.
d) even little kids don’t think I’m intimidating enough to be a real ninja…which is why I’m so freakin’ deadly.