Monday, August 20, 2007

Tap Out

After having spent a few days with visiting relatives, I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually depleted. I will probably post more about the wackadoos in my family in a few days, but for now, I only want a nap. I feel like I just fought in some type of Ultimate Fighting Championship cage match, except that the pain doesn't stop when you tap out. It continues and escalates until it's time for their flight to leave.

When I visit family in Florida, I am probably less stressed out because I can imagine a happy place (like the ninja fortress) and retreat in my mind to my own fortress of solitude until Christmas Dinner is over and I'm on a plane home. When they are here, though, in my happy place, there is really no place to hide. I can't envision the ninja fortress and go into a deep meditation because even in my mind they are there trying to drive me crazy with banal, idiotic questions like "does your coffee maker work?" or "where can we take the kids today?".

I try to look at life as a series of learning experiences, and after coming close to being banned from a couple of DC eateries, I have learned that if you have you children, the first thing you should teach them when they are out of diapers is the difference between their inside voice and their outside voice. It should be the very first thing.

Before this past weekend I always assumed that I would want to have kids eventually, but now I will probably make declarative statements like "if I have kids, then..." instead of "when I have kids".

I've also come to the conclusion that Michael Jackson is a degenerate. After this weekend I can't understand why anyone would want to be around children unless they were legally required to do so. I used to hear stories about those women who say their husband went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. And now I know why. It wasn't because of the wife, he was trying to escape the kids and their horrible, shrill screaming.

9 comments:

iloveupstate.com said...

I took my 6 year old niece to Paris. That pretty much dried up my ovaries right there.

LJ said...

So true... inside v. outside voice is key.

But will have to say, some adults could equally benefit from a refresher!

D.I.N.K. said...

Well, why do people assume that because other people have kids that they should have them too. Some people are really happy with enjoying their married lives with no plan for ever having kids.

suicide_blond said...

personally..i dont think they should let kids in restaurants..period..its not like they let me hang out in kindergarten...
but then ..most of the men i date prob shouldn't be allowed in restaurants either...but thats another story.

xoxo

suicide_blond said...

...just one more reason we should hang out more in strip clubs...
xoxo

Anonymous said...

I think kids should only be allowed in Chuck-E-Cheeses and fast food places that serve Happy Meals.

Anonymous said...

Should the Ninja decide to open his fortress to small children (perhaps his own) in the future, he should understand that "does the coffee maker work?" and "where should we take the kids today?" are the two most critically important questions a parent must answer every morning, along with "can I reverse the lock on the kids' bedroom door?" Failure to answer these questions in a timely fashion promises certain insanity. Parenthood, after all, is a continuous stream of banalities punctuated by small and unpredictable miracles. Plan accordingly, Mr. Ninja.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

upstate: You took her by yourself? You poor girl.

LJ: I agree completely.

Dink: maybe because when given a choice to think for themselves, most people do what everyone else is doing.

suicide_blond: as if we needed more reasons to hang out in strip clubs?

Anonymous: I'd back that plan.

Anonymous: are you trying to scare me away from parenting?

zandria said...

What a coincidence...I went out to a bar with friends on Saturday night where the ultimate fighting championship was playing on the TVs. Pretty interesting stuff!