The Time I weighed my Poop

I'm beginning to have sympathy for what you women go through. I always hear women complain about trying to lose weight and I never gave it a second thought because after being forced to watch a few Sex and the City episodes I realized that women can complain about anything. ("these shoes are ugly; these shoes look nice, but they are uncomfortable; I don't have enough dates; I have too many dates; the sex is bad; the sex is good...but it's too good; my apartment is too small; I have too many shoes; all my friends are getting married; Samantha has syphillis...wah wah wah).

But I'm thinking about going to another jiu jitsu tournament next saturday near Richmond, so I wanted to get down to 159 lbs and I realized why women complain about losing weight. It's HARD. You're hungry all the time and the only food you can eat is stuff that tastes like crap. I was at 175 pounds last week, but a lot of it wasn't muscle. That would put me in the 160-179 lb class, but I am sure that there will again be a lot of bigger guys there (200 lbs) that cut weight to get down to 179 and I don't feel like getting my arm almost broken again. I need to get down to a weight where I'm less than 10% body fat, and for me that's 160 lbs. It took me almost two months for my elbow to heal since last time so I want to fight at the right weight this time: 159 lbs. I cut out sodas (bye bye cherry cokes) and started eating salads (how gay is that?) and I am now 168 and miserable. I've been obsessing about calories and weight and working out like a fiend to get rid of the excess baggage. I was talking with my friend Uncle Rico (former Division I wrestler) about cutting weight:

Uncle Rico: Train yourself to take dumps in the morning.* You might be able
to drop a pound or a pound and a half before weigh ins if you dookie in the
mornings instead of the afternoon.

Me: Is it that much? How do I find out how much my dumps weigh?


Uncle Rico: Take a dump in a shoe box and bring it in. My buddy works in a lab and he can weigh it for you.

Me: [stunned silence]

Uncle Rico: Yeah, I've done it before. Just make sure you cover it with talcum
powder, otherwise it's disgusting.

Me: I don't care if you cover it with pixie dust, a turd in a box is still nasty, I'll try something else.

Pooping in the morning sounds like a good idea though, I must say. So was curious to know how much my dumps weigh because I want to weigh 159 exactly at the tournament (not 157 or 155) so I wanted to find out how much I could reliably cut by going to the bathroom, but pooping in a box is kinda sick and gross. So did the next best thing. I used the bathroom scale and I weighed myself before and after I pooped. I did this several times to ensure consistency. And I deduced my poops weigh between 1.1 and 1.4 lbs. Now I just have to train myself to go in the morning.

*Other weight cutting tips: drink lots of fluids and eat nothing but rice cakes for the week before the match. The last day don't eat anything and pee as much as possible.