Thursday, May 08, 2008

Speechless

There are very few things that leave me speechless. I'm a lawyer, so words are the tools of my trade. Like a carpenter's hammer, a surgeon's scalpel or a trophy wife's breast implants, words are what I use to earn money to keep a roof over my head. So it's not often that I forget how to use them.

However, yesterday I was driving to my meditation class and I saw the funniest thing i've seen since Superbad. I whipped out my cell phone, snapped a picture of it and emailed it to my friend with the only words I could think of to mock it: "HAHAHAHAHAAHA!

When I first bought a phone with a camera, I hoped that one day I would find a use for it, but it stayed in my pocket eager but without a purpose, like the condom in a high-school kid's wallet. "Someday" I kept thinking..."someday." Well, yesterday was like the prom for me. I almost crashed my Ninja Lite Armoured Assault Vehicle at the site of THIS:


A guy in his early/mid 50s, bald, with a reallllly bad comb over, driving a T-bird convertible. As he drove the comb-over would flap wildly in the wind, then at every red light he would stop and fix it back in place. As if all it needed to stay in place and look like a normal head of hair was to be patted down one last time.

With his Ray Bans on and his convertible he was making eye contact with the 20-something cute girl in the next car. (why aren't men in their 50s attracted to women their own age?) In his mind I'm sure he felt like he was Tom Cruise in Risky Business. But the girl was kinded of creeped out by someone her dad's age looking at her sexually; and I had this reaction: HAHAHAHAHAhAHA!!!

I drove up next to him and thought of rolling down the window and saying something, but all I could think of was: HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

It's been 24 hours now, and I finally know what I should've said to the guy:

  1. Sir, you're comb-over is not fooling anyone. I advise you to sell that car and invest in some hair transplant surgery, it will be worth it;
  2. that girl is probably younger than your daughter, just because you are attracted to her, doesn't mean she's attracted to you;
  3. If you want to keep the car and can't afford hair replacement surgery, why don't you just shave your head bald. White guys with a shaved head look 100x better than balding guys. Just make sure to be a little tanned so you don't look like a cancer patient...a old cancer patient with a nice car who likes creeping out young girls.
  4. If you don't want surgery or shaving your head bald, try a hat! srslykthnxbye.
  5. HAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Funny. But so so wrong!

Lisa said...

Oh, poor guy. I always feel bad for men like that.

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

The only thing that might've made it a better scene would've been if the car had been a Miata. Then it would've crossed the line from 'sad' to 'fantastically sad'.

Fargo said...

A Miata would have transformed this from "ROTFLMAO" to "ROTFLMAO - OMG I think I busted a gut laughing...."

Shannon said...

A Miata would have floated off into the air, using the dude's combover as a sail.

Jamie said...

You laugh now. But one day, you will likely be married, childed, balding, and in a midlife crisis. Please, though, don't buy a Thunderbird. Make it German or Italian.

I swear it will never happen to me, though.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Anonymous : indeed.

Lisa: pity? or laughter?

You can call me, 'Sir: if he had a miata, he should be shot.

Fargo : agreed!

Shannon: more miata hate!

Jamie: yeah, let's not jinx anyone.

Arjewtino said...

For some strange reason that might not make any rational sense, your sun visor bugs me.

Shannon said...

I love to hate Miatas, it gives me joy.

Arjewtino, I bet you're freaked by the rather morbid stick figure carseat baby getting crushed by the deploying airbag.

Ill-fated stick figure people depress me. Especially baby stick figures.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Arjewtino: yeah, me too.

Shannon: join the club.

Marissa said...

Whoa. Classic Shambles P.I. moment. You need to post that pic!

Anonymous said...

I while ago, I looked my window to see a man in a similar mid life crisis car, smiling creepily at me. Sensibly he was wearing a cap, to hide his balding head, but it was pretty windy, and after a moment it blew off - at which point I realised that the hat had a ribbon tied at the back, connected to the tag of his jacket, so he wouldn't lose it!
It still makes me laugh!
and... thinking of his face... when he realised I was staring & laughing! oh! I'm laughing too hard...

- Maddy

zandria said...

** Shakes head **

So sad. So, so sad.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

I observed a guy in Chipolte the other night with a bad combover and a mullet to top it off...........really bad and I was laughing way too hard.

Juju Bean said...

My dad has a miata. I really hope he doesn't go around trying to pick up girls my age or younger...

renovationtherapy said...

When I see "the comb over" I just want to yell "get some balls". It looks sad, it looks pathetic, it fools no one. Embrace the balding-ness, that's 500 times sexier.

SickGirl said...

i heart your use of analogies.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Marissa: what pic?

Anonymous: sadly, it's not uncommon to see this.

zandria: indeed.

Capitol Hill 20210: i don't know which is worse. Mullets are also never right.

Juju Bean: what you don't know...

renovationtherapy: agreed!

SickGirl: awww thanks.