Saturday, July 21, 2007

Thoughts on Iraq, Cheney, and Jersey Girls

I think this sums up the situation in Iraq pretty nicely. The Bush chicken hawks are so hard up for talent that they are sending me a letter, hoping that I can get them out their mess.

First of all, I don’t know how the gob’ment knows about my home improvement skillz. I had my suspicions that the CIA and Pentagon were monitoring my blog in the hopes of developing some kind of secret humor weapon, but I never really believed it until now.





This recruitment letter is disturbing for several reasons:

  1. I’d like an extra $20,000 as much as the next guy (assuming the next guy really wants $20,000), but not enough to risk my life for it. Don't get me wrong, I don’t see anything wrong with shooting people for money, but it’s the part where they shoot back at you that puts me off of the whole military experience (or joining the Mafia). Can’t we declare war on some country that doesn’t have firearms? Some African tribe that hunts with spears, or maybe an Amazon tribe that we can wipe out so that we can clear their forest and use it to mass produce IKEA furniture? After all, would the world be better off with cheaper gas or more euro-style nesting tables?
  2. if recruitment is down so much that they have taken to mailing out pleas for enlistment to total strangers, this is not good. It's almost as bad as the ill-fated "renounce suicide bombing and get a free iPod Nano" promotion.
  3. Bush keeps talking about his NEW Iraq strategy. If that strategy involves me going there and fixing it, then we’re all fcuked. I haven’t been able to successfully rebuild an 1800 sq foot townhouse in 2 years, what makes you think I’d be able to rebuild an entire nation?
  4. I think the only way I could possibly be of assistance is if I was fighting for the other side. I’m pretty incompetent with a firearm and I would probably unintentionally kill anyone around me, so the best way to harm the insurgents would be to get them to rely on my military skillz. ("No, Mohammed, I'm almost positive this isn't loaded, in fact...oh sh1t...sorry 'bout that...Allah Baba Akbar Jihad, Durka durka?")
  5. Again, I wouldn’t fight for either side for any amount of money, so I think you’re better off not counting on me for anything besides the occasional post about the futility of war. I don’t know if that will solve anything, but then again I’m doing this for free so you get what you pay for.
In other news, sometime today, draft dodging sociopath Dick Cheney will become president for several hours while George Bush has doctors shoving a long, thick, snake-like machine up his ass. If Bush finds out that he likes it, does that mean that he will change his stance on gay marriage? Will Cheney pardon Scumbag Scooter Libby during the 2 hours that he is president? If Cheney becomes leader of the free world, will he renounce cannibalism or will he use the Oval office to summon Satan for guidance, like he does at the vice president's residence?

Also, last week I forgot to comment on the Miss New Jersey scandal. Luckily the scandal resolved itself without my having to get involved. However, since most people come here in order for me to tell them what to think, I will weigh in on the scandal so you can opine about it at the next work-sponsored event you attend and the boss will be so impressed by your knowledge of current events and warped logic that you'll be flagged as in independent thinker and you will either end up as the bosses new successor, or you will die by his hand.

Here we go: Although Miss New Jersey was found to have posted slutty pictures of herself on the internets, she was allowed to keep her crown (which is, apparently, as fake as her smile and boobs). I think this is the proper result. Let's not be hypocrites here. Are you really surprised there are slutty pictures of her on the internet? She's from New Jersey, so I'd be surprised if she didn't have slutty pics of herself on the net. New Jersey, people! You can't even swim on the Jersey shore because you'll catch a venereal disease, so are you really surprised that the girl who represents the values of the state has some (fully clothed) crotch shots of herself on the net? I've seen these pics of Miss New Jersey and all I have to say is: Call me!

7 comments:

iloveupstate.com said...

Thanks for posting this...now I don't have to do this brain dump myself. Pretty much sums up my thoughts on all the topics very neatly. Now I can go back to eating my pancakes. Kudos!

Dagny Taggart said...

Oh, Jersey bashing? Wow. Something new, different, and creative! Never heard that before...

Anonymous said...

Maybe you'd feel better if you just got back to some home improvement projects and wrote about that, instead.

suicide_blond said...

as much as i DONT like the idea of cheney as president for even a moment..i so DO love the idea of bush getting a good anal probe.... i hope they "forgot" the lube..
xoxo

Anonymous said...

I agree about Bush & Cheney, but don't make fun of Jersey. There are a [b]lot[/b] of things in Jersey to make fun of, but you shouldn't slam a place unless your from there. Leave the Jersey insults to the locals.

Anonymous said...

I don't know a thing about Jersey, but it never fails to amaze and amuse me to see the outrage when one of these beauty pageant scandals come to light.
Why is it such a surprise that the same girls who think strutting around in high heels and a bikini in front of a group of "judges," also think posing for Playboy is a good idea?
I'm sure Miss N.J. is sincere about the world peace thing.
Atmikha

Velvet said...

I love it! "If Bush decides he likes it, does that mean they will change their stance on gays..."
Awesome!

Dude, I fucking HATE Cheney. More than Bush. I HATE CHENEY.