Reality Distortion Field and iron fences

Steve Jobs was known (infamous) for his "reality distortion field".  It's said that he believed things so passionately that he could convince you of it even if you knew it was wrong.  If you suggested an idea to him he would reject it, and a few weeks later might remember it, but think he came up with it, and when he told about it, he would be convinced he came up with the idea. If you tried to argue with him, he would be so resolute and fervently convinced that it was his idea that you would eventually begin to doubt your recollection of reality.

So as I get my ninja fortress ready for sale, there are a few big items that I need to finish, but can't do myself.  One of these is to replace the iron front porch which is seriously rusting and looks, well, like sh1t.  As I get quotes for this, it makes me think of Steve's reality distortion field.

Now, I know for a fact that iron is not expensive.  If you wanted to buy some, the price they would quote you would be for a ton.  It's not worth it to try to sell it by the pound because it's so heavy and so cheap that the only way to have a conversation without decimal points is to give a price in tons. (or maybe it's spelled tonnes, if you're british). 

And yet, when I get quotes, the person will look me dead in the eye, and say with a straight face and number like "$4000", without registering any emotion.  It's delivered with the same dispassionate matter-of-factness that they would say a word like "lemons", "mustache" or "oregano". As if their preternatural calm is supposed to make me believe that's not a lot of money for a day or two worth of work.  A welder's reality distortion field? The jedi-mind trick doesn't work on me.  I know these are the droids i'm looking for. And I don't care if you need an answer right away.  My answer is:  I'm getting more quotes. 

Starting a Plastic Moving Boxes Business

So, it wasn't easy starting a new business.  I thought about going the franchise route and buying a territory from a company like Bungobox or Frogbox, but in the end I figured that I'd rather be a pirate than join the navy, so I set out on my own.

It took a lot of work to get my business from the planning stage to where it is now.  I had to hire a web designer, find suppliers for the boxes, decide on territories that I wanted to cover and each step took more time and effort than I realized.

I think what I found just as useful as analyzing what others did right, is to figure out where it could go wrong.  I found two companies that failed at this (one mom & pop outfit in florida, and another who bought a franchise from one of the big companies) and I decided to call them up and talk to them for a loooong time.  I performed, in essence, an autopsy on their business so that I wouldn't make the same mistakes that they did.  It was *very* informative.

In the end, I decided to launch my moving boxes business in palm beach county florida.  I am also simultaneously launching a moving boxes business in washington, DC, 

I was surprised at how little information there was out there on setting up this type of business.  I did find some really helpful information on other businesses to model (interviews with Brian Scudamore from 800-Got-Junk and Tony Hsieh from Zappos) which had a strong customer service component to them.

Moving is such a stressful event that I think the only way to be involved in that business is to do things differently.  I'm committed to bringing humanity back to the moving business.  I meditate regularly and there is a Zen concept about loving as much as you can from wherever you are, and I think those mental and emotional attitudes will fit well with what I am trying to do.

At any rate, I also received invaluable help from a few other Mom & Pop independent moving box companies in other parts of the country.  We communicate regularly either by email or through facebook.  There is strength in numbers and bouncing ideas of them has been a tremendous help.

In case you found this website because you are thinking of starting a business like this, and want to ask questions, feel free to email me and I will help in any way that I can.  Paying it forward.  See you at the top :)

Link love

I've never cared much for search engine optimization (SEO).  I just let this site grow in popularity organically.  But as I set up a new business, I realize how important it is.  If people can't find you on Google, then you are invisible.  You may as well not even exist.  When I posted yesterday about the new business I am starting that rents plastic reusable moving boxes in DC and Florida , I did not realize that I would have to do work to get it noticed.  If you google "Plastic moving boxes DC", this blog comes up on page 2 of Google, and my Elf Boxes site is on page 9!  *9*

So, that will not do.  If any of you are reading this and want to hook a brother up, please link to my www.elfboxes.com site.  It would help me out a lot.

And obviously, if you are in the market for moving boxes, let me know.  The site should be live and taking orders in a few days.  thanks.

Elf Boxes Plastic Moving Boxes Coming to DC

I am in the final stages of launching a new business.  It will be starting in West Palm Beach, Florida this week.  And I hope to launch it in Washington DC too.  This company will rent plastic reusable moving boxes.  These are easier to use than cardboard (no tape required, no assembly required), are stronger than cardboard moving boxes, don't fall apart in the rain, and are eco-friendly.


Because the boxes are strong and rigid, unlike cardboard, you can put your wineglasses on the bottom box, and your kettlebells in the box on top.  One of the things everyone worries about during a move is breakage.  These boxes are strong and secure enough to protect your most valuable belongings:



(in case you are wondering, this is my adorable nephew playing in one of the boxes)

I'm really happy to be able to launch this business with other members of my family.  Moving is one of the most stressful life experiences that you will ever have. There are so many bad parts involved in the moving experience that I am glad we have found a way to improve one of them.  As a small, family owned businesses I'm really stoked to be able to provide the kind of  personalized service that I would want in a move.  I'm dedicated to bringing humanity back to the moving experience, one box at a time. I hope you'll give us a try and that you'll be happy with the results.  I'm not really sure what happiness looks like to you, but to me it looks like a cute kid in a funny hat, laughing inside a green box :)

So the company is called Elf Boxes, and website is www.elfboxes.com  If you're looking to buy some moving boxes from a place like Uhaul or Home Depot, please check it out.  I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised to find that it costs less to rent these boxes than it does to buy new cardboard boxes.  Moreover, these boxes don't end up in a landfill after you use them.  They can be used hundreds of times, and when they reach the end of their life cycle, then can be ground up and used to make more moving boxes.

Eating the Elephant

Q: How do you eat an elephant?
A: The same way you eat anything, one bite at a time.

I'm 200+ pages into Good Calories, Bad Calories. It's 600+ pages with enough footnotes to give a NASA scientiest a hardon. It's drier than a box of saltine crackers, but very informative, albeit with a lot of science jargon. As someone without a background in science, it's hard to digest but not impossible. I don't have a background in finance either, but I managed to do really well in those classes in law school and can hold my own in conversations with PhD quants and economists. You can learn anything if you really want to. But you have to want it, it's not for dabblers.







Some of the things in the book are so contrary to the conventional wisdom that it's hard to believe, despite the science to back it up. (If you're worried about triglycerides, throw out that glass of orange juice and eat a steak instead) I had intended to read 20 books this year on my new e-reader, and so far this book is number two. I'm falling behind schedule, but I'll keep plugging away at this because I need to fully understand the science so that I can plausibly order a plate of ribs and claim that it's health food.

In case you think I'm exaggerating about the complexity of the science or the mind-blowing conclusions about nutrition, have a look for yourself:

Consider a porterhouse steak with a quarter-inch layer of fat. After broiling, this steak will reduce to almost equal parts fat and protein. Fifty-one percent of the fat is monounsaturated, of which 90 percent is oleic acid. Saturated fat constitutes 45 percent of the total fat, but a third of that is stearic acid, which will increase HDL cholesterol while having no effect on LDL. (Stearic acid is metabolized in the body to oleic acid, according to Grundy’s research.) The remaining 4 percent of the fat is polyunsaturated, which lowers LDL cholesterol but has no meaningful effect on HDL. In sum, perhaps as much as 70 percent of the fat content of a porterhouse steak will improve the relative levels of LDL and HDL cholesterol, compared with what they would be if carbohydrates such as bread, potatoes, or pasta were consumed. The remaining 30 percent will raise LDL cholesterol but will also raise HDL cholesterol and will have an insignificant effect, if any, on the ratio of total cholesterol to HDL. All of this suggests that eating a porterhouse steak in lieu of bread or potatoes would actually reduce heart disease risk, although virtually no nutritional authority will say so publicly. The same is true for lard and bacon." (emphasis mine)

Gary Taubes, "Good Calories Bad Calories"

It's like being told you are in the Matrix and nothing you've been led to believe is real. If it wasn't so serious, it would be farce:

Elvis is everywhere!

I randomly remembered this song that has such awesome lines "who built the pyramids? Elvis!" The girlfriend thought I made it up, but after a few minutes I found it and started singing it. Elvis is everywhere, baby, enjoy it!!!

I'm an uncle!

I got the news last night that my sister in law gave birth to a baby boy. I wonder why people always specify that it was a "baby" boy. Is that really a necessary adjective? Are there a lot of people who give birth to full grown boys, such that you'd have to specify to avoid confusion?

"Really? you had a boy? a baby one or full grown? a
teenager? that must've been painful!"

I don't know if it was a "bouncing" baby boy because no one dropped him, but he appears to normal in all other aspects. In fact, better than normal...exceptional! Very handsome. He looks strong too (a future jiu jitsu fighter? one can only hope).

Happy Birthday Elvis: the other kind of Fight Club

Happy belated birthday to the third greatest American to ever walk the earth, Elvis Presley. In case you are wondering who the first and second greatest Americans are, they are Thomas Jefferson and Jack Lalanne, in that order. You might think this is open to debate, but it's not. Arguing about this is like arguing about the existence of gravity; it will just make you look foolish.

Here's something you didn't know about me. Some people don't work Christmas, some don't work on Thanksgiving or Easter. But me...I don't work on January 8th. Cuz' that's Elvis' birthday! Some people think I kid about how awesome Elvis is, and that I heap fake praise on him like it's some kind of performance art. But Elvis was awesome because he genuinely didn't a sh1t. The world was segregated but he played black music. He wore ridiculous outfits and ate peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwiches whenever he wanted. He had a pet monkey and if he didn't like what was on TV he would shoot it. He was a black belt in Karate back when that actually meant something. Fcuk Charlie Sheen, Elvis is the real one with Tiger Blood in his veins. In other words, Elvis was the original Honey Badger!

So I don't know what you did last weekend, but I celebrated by going to the Elvis Birthday Fight Club. As part of the show they had an Elvis Trivia contest and they asked for volunteers. I was chosen. And if you think I'm good at fixing houses, derivatives law, or jiu jitsu, that's nothing compared to how awesome I am at Elvis Trivia.

I had a worthy opponent, but I won. In fact, I smoked him! Trying to beat me at Elvis trivia is like trying to beat Rosie O'Donnell at a doughnut eating contest: not gonna happen!

Anyway, I had a great time and look forward to doing it again next year to defend my title. So who are your top 3 americans of all time?

Tap tap tap...

Is this thing on? ("that's what SHE said!") haha, I kill me sometimes.

It doesn't feel like it's been over a year since I blogged something, but the internet doesn't lie. If you're wondering what happened, that makes one of us. At some point in a dog's life he catches the car he was chasing and wonders "now that I've got this giant squirrel by the metallic bumper...what now?" If you find that analogy confusing, you're on the right blog.

In tangentially related news, I discovered Twitter recently, which is like blogging for lazy people and like the fat guy trying to ease himself into the gym little by little, I started being a Twitterer...Tweeter? Twat? Whatever. Anyway, if you'd like to follow me, I'm at @ImproveNinja

If you follow me on there you can read some gems such as this:

Don't autocorrect me, Iphone. Yes, I meant "fisting" not "gusting". WTF is anal gusting

Or this:

My beagle only wants to play with other beagles. Does that mean my dog is a racist?

At any rate I'm not giving up blogging, but I am going to start another blog where I talk about other things. I'm keeping it under wraps for now. Maybe I'll keep this around for old times sake, like the blind diabetic dog that you are too emotional to put down, even though you've already got a new puppy picked out. Or maybe I'll use both, like a high-powered Hollywood executive with a first wife and a mistress.

In the meantime, Merry Christmas everyone!

Snow

As if to mock me, it snows. I drove to work today, so getting home should be...interesting. Growing up in NY means that I have experience driving in the snow. So I know I won't hit your car on the way home today. Please do me the courtesy of returning that favor. Kthanxbye.

I still hate snow

I stil hate snow. It's snowed twice this month. The first time, I saw it outside the window, but it stopped before I got outside, and left no trace. If other people hadn't commented on it, I would've thought I imagined it. The second time, I didn't notice it until the morning. It covered the tops of cars lightly, but melted and disappeared into the sidewalk, leaving no trace of itself.

My sister moved with her kids from South Florida to Wisconsin. They have never seen snow. Since they have never seen it, except in pictures, it must be a magical thing for them. But they live in Wisconsin now. I have a feeling that in a few years, they will tire of it and see it for what it is. Something cold, wet and annoying.

If you like snow, it's probably because you don't have to shovel it. My parking spot is behind my house, and you get to it by the alleyway. Last year at this time, DC suffered the worst snowstorms that have ever been recorded. Do you know how long it takes 4 people to dig out a car wide channel of snow that's 3 feet deep and an alley long --by hand? 6 hours!

I've never been a cold weather person. I love the beach, I love the sun, the sand, the water (the bikinis!). When I was in high school and college and my friends would take ski trips to Vermont, I would never go because...I hate the cold and I hate the snow. The idea of being outside all day and being wet and cold isn't appealing to me. But if you've never seen the snow, I guess it's magical. If you don't have to shovel it, I guess it is beautiful.

If it snows really hard here again, I hope I'm in Florida when it happens. I'd like to be watching it on TV, then going out to the pool with a towel and some sunscreen...I still hate the snow.

Message from the founder of BloomBars (www.bloombars.com). BloomBars is a non-profit arts center in Columbia Heights.

If you can't donate, pass this message on to a friend or family member who would be interested. WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT and we are grateful for any help you can offer.

You can learn more and make a tax-deductible donation online at:
http://www.indiegogo.com/bloombars

Now the message:

A WORLD WITHOUT BLOOMBARS

Dear Friends of BloomBars,

In a matter of days, we may be facing a world without BloomBars.

No more guitar lessons for kids every Sunday. No more impromptu jam sessions among new friends at Cipherstock. No more open mics for high school students and other artists honing their crafts as poets, musicians, comedians and storytellers in a supportive, alcohol-free, all-ages space. And no more music wafting out of our double-doors into the streets of Columbia Heights, welcoming neighbors and passerby to share the experience.

Please take 3 minutes to make a tax-deductible online donation to BloomBars to help us prevent this from becoming a reality. BloomBars is calling on people like you, who believe that art can transform communities and change lives, to donate now and stay in our home!
http://www.indiegogo.com/bloombars

How often do you see children as young as 5 performing at an open mic? Or youth at a Saturday night rock concert bonding with the musicians during sound check? Or high school teachers sharing their poetry at an event attended primarily by their (cheering) students?

How often do you see people from all over the city and world-- regardless of age, race, or income-- come together and give a stranger a hug after listening to local musicians?

There aren't many places where cultural, generational, and socioeconomic diversity come together in a physical space-- particularly not around the arts. The simple choice to provide an alcohol-free, all-ages space for learning, performing, and engaging with each other has had amazing effects.

Without your support today our ability to keep growing (and the doors open) is in jeopardy.
http://www.indiegogo.com/bloombars

I’ve heard BloomBars called a “venue.” It is not. It is you. It is me. It is our community. And its future is not guaranteed. Please, help us continue planting seeds.

There are three things we ask of you:

1. Make a tax-deductible donation now! WE HAVE LESS THAN 57 HOURS TO REACH OUR GOAL OF $20,000!
http://www.indiegogo.com/bloombars

2. Invite 10 friends to learn more about BloomBars on Facebook or via an email. We'll even make it extra easy: Here's a template you can use: http://www.bloombars.com/press-media/spread-the-word-in-2-clicks-email-template

3. Make the BloomBars logo your Facebook profile photo for a day.

We are counting on your support and your help in spreading the word!

Until Soon, Keep Blooming.

John R. Chambers
Chief Executive Gardener
BloomBars
www.indiegogo.com/BloomBars

meh...

I've been toying with the idea of starting a new blog, since I haven't been writing much on this one as of late. Watching it sit here is like watching that once mighty TransAm or Camaro sitting on blocks in the driveway, a mere shell of its former glory.

Stay tuned...

Capoeira Workshop on Sunday October 3, 2010

Hey All, be sure to check my friend Bomba's Capoeira Workshop at BTI Dance Institute on 14th street in downtown DC. It's on Sunday and it's a great opportunity to learn from the only Contra Mestre in Capoeira in DC!

	Sunday, October 3 · 4:30pm - 6:30pm
Location	BTI Dance Institute 1515 14th St NW Suite 200 (near P St) Washington, DC
Created By	Raimundo Bomba Dos
More Info	The D.C. area's only Contra-Mestre direct from Brazil will be conducting a capoeira regional workshop at BTI Dance. Beginning students will learn basic capoeira movements and by the end of the workshop will be able to execute a combination of movements in sequence. Intermediate students are also welcome, and will learn a combination based on their level of experience. No prior experience is necessary. Beginners should wear loose fitting clothing and light footwear; advanced capoeiristas should wear traditional white capoeira pants and a t-shirt. Come ginga with Contra-Mestre Bomba, Capoeira Barro Vermelho! Email bombabahia@gmail.com for more information or go to https://clients.mindbodyonline.com/ASP/home.asp?studioid=10515 to register. Cost is $29.

Random improvements

I've been too busy and unmotivated to do anything major at the fortress, but I have been smaller projects here and there, like painting, which takes only slightly more effort than laundry, when done correctly.

The key is to have all the right tools, like this mixing attachment that you put on to a power drill. Tools are awesome when they do all the work for you.






Here is the Living room window before. There were some repairs done to it, which is why there is new bare wood there. It looks better after painting.










Here is the living room window after. It looks cleaner, doesn't it? Well, except for that shitty looking radiator.




Here is the kitchen window before.












kitchen window after.





I also got out the heat gun (yes in the summer) and stripped some paint off the stairway railings to re-paint them.



stairs






stairs

This was a lot harder than it looked ("that's what she said!").

Crappy Singer's Publicity Stunt Makes Media Waves

The stupidity of the media never ceases to amaze me. Every year when PETA decides to run some outrageous publicity stunt, it always makes it onto the news. Like their commercial that was sooooo racy that it was banned from the superbowl. No mention is ever made of how they would have come up with a bajillion dollars to air the ad if it had been accepted and aired on the most expensive advertising slot in history.



Peta's Banned 2009 Superbowl Ad - Watch more Funny Videos

So you are surprised that the superbowl wouldn't run an ad that had a woman masturbating with a piece of broccoli? Really? That's news to you? You didn't see it coming (no pun intendend). It didn't occur to you that they intentionally wanted it rejected so that they wouldn't have to pay $20 million for a superbowl ad, but they would get millions in free advertising from the networks showing coverage about their "banned" ad?

Last week I saw a clip on the news about another publicity seeking moron. She is supposedly so intent on getting married that she set the date, booked the place (february 2011) and is now looking for a husband to meet and get married in less than a year. Is this woman an accountant? A lawyer? A human resources professional? Nope...surprisingly, she's in the entertainment business. Whaaaaa?!? An unsuccessful songwriter who's now on national television singing her sh1tty song about finding a husband. Lisa Linehan has parlayed this stupid stunt into a reality show, sponsorships and a media blitz. Way to go Lisa!



As for CNN and the other supposed news channels, I have news for you. We're fighting two wars and a recession. The nation is trillions of dollars in debt, the party in power in congress may change hands soon, there is a Supreme Court nominee who's fighting to get nominated etc. etc. etc. Why don't you use your bandwith for REAL news?

Earthquake smerthquake...

I don't think I've been in an earthquake before, and I've never heard of one happening in DC in the 10 years I've been here. Around 4am though, we got one. I was up since I had insomnia, which is a mixed blessing, I guess, since it would suck to have slept through that historic event. And yes, I would've slept through it because I can sleep through anything, including falling off the top of a bunk bed when I was a kid. I mean, I woke up sore in the morning, but I slept right through it (Feel free to mentally insert a "that's what she said" joke here).

Anyway, as far as earthquakes go, it was pretty mild. I actually didn't know it was an earthquake until I saw it on the news. It sounded and felt like there was a police helicopter hovering overhead looking for someone. I'm sure most people who are up at 4am and here what they think is a police helicopter outside would do the obvious like close down all the p0rn browsers on their computer, flush all thier cocaine down the toilet or throw more stuff on the pile of clothes hiding the dead hookers in the basement. But I did none of that. I just kept watching inane YouTube videos on failblog. Like this one:

free plug fridays

If you're going to be in town this weekend, a friend of mine is appearing in a group art show at the new Cre8 Space Gallery. It's a blues music themed art show and there will be a live performance at 8pm by blues guitarist Michael James "Blues" Baker, who is almost a thousand years old. The address is 1314 9th Street NW. (9th and M street). Click on the link above or THIS ONE for details.

Back to the Future

Well, it turns out that another important day in pseudo history came and went unnoticed by me and many others. It turns out that a couple of days ago was when Doc and Marty McFly went to
the future and hijinx ensued. Although July 5, 2010 must've seemed like a meelyun years in the future, it was, in actuallity not that far into the future--especially when you consider that Michael J. Fox still looks like a teenager(a teenager that's married to his mom, but still...).

When I saw this I was saddened a little bit. Sure, flying cars are almost here, but it will be a long time before I commute to work in one. And WTF happened to hoverboards?



If there is anything that kept me going during the dark period known as the 1990s, it was the thought that within 10 years I would have one of these bad boys and life would be good.

We can put a man on the moon, but we still don't have hoverboards?

Thank you Gentrification

It's no secret that I love gentrification. As more and more trendy restaurants and stores move into Columbia Heights, I get happier and happier. The more people who want to live here, the more my house will be worth when I decide to sell it soon. If some hipster who moved here a year and a half ago thinks that this place will lose something if it starts to look like Bethesda, I will laugh and try to keep from punching him in the face. When I moved here 6 years ago, this neighborhood was not much to look at. The Giant Supermarket had just opened up, but the Target Mall was still a few years away and unlike now, where you get a selection of Pho, Fusion, Mexican, Vegan and any other trendy dish that your heart can imagine, when I moved in here the only place to eat within walking distance of my house was the bullet proof chinese food place. It had a wall of bullet proof glass and if you wanted something, you YELLED your order through the bullet proof glass, placed your money in a bullet-proof lazy susan and passed it to the other side, then they would place your food in the bullet proof lazy susan and send it your way.

Now, a block away from that same bullet proof chinese place are a wine bar (with paninis!) and a new craft beer bar/restuarant, a brick oven pizza place, and a community arts center. Thank you gentrification!!!


Now, develepment doesn't happen uniformly everywhere. There has been an eyesore near the ninja fortress since before I moved in. A burned out shell of a building that once housed a jazz club, but currently houses mice when the weather gets bad.


Now that Gentrification has reached a certain point, even this burned out sh1t-hole is worth buying and fixing up into something nice. Gentrification = reinvestment in infrastructure. Get it?

So this former eyesore is being gutted as we speak and will very shortly (hopefully) look like this:





WELCOME FUTURE NEIGHBORS! If this place is a little to pricey for you, I have a nice fortress very near by that I'd be willing to sell you :)


(pic from capital city real estate)