Friday, December 29, 2006

Guest Post Update

Apparently, Brandon got hooked on guest-posting after my blog and is now doing other guest-posts. I think I feel like the local schoolyard pot dealer now after discovering that my childhood friend who I badgered into trying his first joint is now hooked on heroin. I feel really guilty about it. But then again, I'm Catholic, so if this hadn't happened, I would probably find something else to feel really quilty about (like the excessive amounts of napkins I took from Starbucks this morning...does that make me a bad person?). Or maybe I feel betrayed-like the loving wife who agrees to a threesome with a stripper for her husband's birthday, only to discover that now he wants it to be a regular thing. Go ahead, Brandon. Go blog for your WHORES!!! Happy birthday, you cheating bastard!!!

Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah...whores. Anyway, I think the guest post went pretty well. I got some woman in dallas who offered to "do" me sight unseen. I think I'm one Southwest Airlines ticket from givng that woman some of the most mediocre sex of her life.

Since my blog is nothing if not untimely, I'll be posting my Christmas post next week. It's about Santa and how he's really a ninja. After I did my post I found this on YouTube from This is popular version of the Santa-Ninja myth, but not entirely accurate. I'll post the secret Santa version soon (if Ninjas don't kill me first).

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Xmas Guest Post By One Child Left Behind

Since my annual torture ritual at the hands of those who share my genetic material is not yet half over, I am bringing you a guest post by Brandon, formerly of the blog known as "one child left behind". I once described reading his blog as being like having a religious experience that doesn't involve being molested by a priest. Although Brandon has given up blogging, he kindly agreed to do this guest post for me in exchange for nothing. Well, technically, he said that if this post got me laid, that I would owe him a beer. The odds of me getting laid in general are pretty bad, and the odds of me getting laid from my blog make the lottery sound like sound financial planning, so he's really offering to do this for almost free, if you think about it. I don't know which of us that makes more pathetic, but there you go. Take it away, Brandon:



I never had much of a fascination with ninjas, least not after I bought my first throwing star at a Mexican flea market and proceeded to throw it 40 times into the side of the house, waking my grandmother who saw the shinobi-esque damage and began to beat me with her work shoes, leading me to cry and cover my head in a very un-ninja-like fashion. I do, however, like this idea of being able to walk around wearing a mask and not facing any sort of social stigmatization, an acceptance recently reinforced thanks to the Asian bird flu.

Home improvement, on the other hand, holds no fascination for me whatsoever, being as how I have been in a constant state of household repairs since 1999, when I bought my first residence, a Tudor Revival trapped in the single story body of a California Rambler. I even stored a daybed in the attic as a promise of hope to be fulfilled.

Not that I’m not proud of the tile and wood and study and fake shutters and retaining walls and wood stove and French doors, because I did all the work myself. Custom, I think they call it.

So much so that when we went through our third refinance, the appraiser (who is now on our Christmas card list) said, ‘Wow. Just. Wow.’

I know!

True, I don’t talk much about my handy-man skills, because mostly what I’m good at is getting girls pregnant, and the ability to build a home is the last thing you need to mention at a paternity suit hearing. Plus, talking about home repair on-line is a surefire way of getting your inbox filled with related spam. For instance, I just deleted the following emails titled, ‘Need to lay some pipe?’ ‘Problems with Your Wood?’ and ‘Get in Through the Backdoor.’

Oh, and that brings to mind the other thing that has me conflicted about ninjas: they are celibate. This is a tough concept for me, one that I only now fully understand now that the last of my male friends has gotten married. You see, married guys ADORE their bachelor friends. They are endless sources of vicarious amusement and conversational stocking stuffers. It used to be I would accompany my single friend to the bars and never ran out of things to say.

‘You should do her.’‘
And that one, too.’
‘You should do her afterwards.’
‘Do that one. Now. Do it. DO IT!’
‘You curious about that guy, are you?’

Now, of course, it’s just a bunch of married men in a bar drinking and not saying much of anything at all. Occasionally we bring our children so as to break up the monotonous silence. We are desperately seeking another single guy to liven up our existence. One with the ability to patch up throwing star holes in OSB siding would only sweeten the pot."

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Christmas Break From Blogging.

Okay, I haven’t made much progress lately on my to do list around the fortress, but I’m hoping to kick it into high gear after the new year. I installed most of the baseboard molding upstairs, before I left. Not because I was motivated, but because I got sick of seeing it in my living room and having to step around it. Plus when people come to visit and see it sitting in the same place for several weeks, they can figure out that you haven’t been doing much. It’s sorta’ like when see your kid sitting on the potty for hours with a bored look on his face and you just know that nothing much is being produced, but he won’t get up from the potty and pretend to wipe his butt because that would be admitting failure. So he sits and sits on the potty, missing such cartoon classics as Voltron, Transformers and Thundercats because he’s too proud to admit that he’s not even capable of producing a pile of shit.

I’m also getting a new laptop (macbook) after the new year, so that should solve all my picture posting issues. Plus, it’s got a camera there so I may do my first ever video post. "Okay, this is me sitting on the sofa watching netflix and pretending that I’m too tired to finish the floors". So I actually did some work, and I’ll post about it with pics when all is well with my computer situation. In related news, I really regret cancelling my cable now. Netflix is okay, but I really miss cable. I miss my house porn (DIY Network, HGTV shows) and I miss the high-speed access to the internet that cable offers. It’s like giving up toilet paper and being forced to use leaves and flat stones like a caveperson.

In other news, someone in the UK offered me 40 pounds to let me put a text ad on my site for a year. Does anyone think I should do it? Does anyone know how much 40 pounds is in real money? Does anyone know why people in England are reading about my toilet?

Well, I’m outta’ town for a couple of weeks so I probably won’t be blogging. I’ve been in Florida for less than two days but already my family is driving me crazy (although it’s not really a very long trip). I’m considering having a couple of people guest blog for me. The only thing that worries me about guest bloggers is this: I love my blog like I love my (theoretical) wife or bacon. And letting someone post on my blog is like letting someone make love to my wife (or eat my bacon). Which is why I think the guest bloggers should be female. If someone is going to make love to my wife, I want it to be a hot chick and I want to be able to watch it happen. Or if someone is going to eat the bacon on my plate (and not get their ass kicked) it will be some hot chick who will eat it all sexy like Jennifer Beals eating the lobster in Flashdance. Yeah, ‘cuz that’s hot. Where was I? Oh yeah, the other problem is that you folks might like the guest-bloggers better they post things about topics other than my toilet and ninjas. This could open up a whole new world for the sad pathetic people who pay $99 a month for high-speed internet so that they can read about toilets on the internet. (The people who tune in to read about ninjas on the internet, however, are not pathetic. I myself use the internets and the google to find out about ninjas. Well, that and for porn,).

Anyway, things suck here, but mostly because rather than relaxing, I’m getting stress. Within a few hours of my getting here, my sister had me and my brother installing some flooring in her new house. I don’t even get stuff done on my own place and I am doing stuff on hers? I won’t even get into my wacky family either (yet). I’ll save it for later. See y’all soon.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Diesel Me

Well, I just went through a barrage of tests for a health screening and I found out that my body fat is 10.7%. Even though I haven't worked out in over 2 months and I put on about 10 pounds recently, I am still at 10.7% body fat. This doesn't surprise me. Doing construction work makes me storng like, well, like a construction worker. And as many of you know, I studied Northern Eagle Claw Kung Fu for a year and a half when I was 15. Some of you probably think that lifting cinder blocks and Sheetrock has more to do with it than Kung fu, but you'd be wrong.

Some of you might be thinking that any positive effects of studying kung fu might have worn off after 20 years, and that couldn’t possibly explain my rockin’ muscles. Buy let me say this
1) Shaolin Kung Fu stays with you forever. It strengthens you from the inside, so even though I might put on a few pounds on the outside, on the inside I’m all Shaolin, baby!

2) Maybe you didn’t read carefully, but I didn’t just study any kind of kung fu. I studied Northern Eagle Claw. I used to go all the way into manhattan on the subway for an hour each way and get yelled at by an old Chinese guy who spoke broken English because even then I knew that Eagle Claw is the shit!

Grandmaster: You craw is very bad. Why so razy? Don’t be razy, practice!

Me: My craw? And who you calling razy? What does that even mean? All those years of Kung fu and you still can’t pronounce your Ls? Now who’s LLLLLazy. Say it with me…LLLLazy.

Grandmaster: If this conversation not imaginary for your brog, I would kill you with my powerful kung fu.

Me: Yes, that’s the power of my blog fu, I can mock anyone and win every argument because I can make up the facts as I go.

Grandmaster: Ha! You brog is like a Donard Rumsferd memo!

Me: Yes, indeed. Although he won’t be Secretary of Defense for another 15 years, that comment is still amusing because my blog doesn’t need to into account such things as the space time continuum.

Anyway, the tests came back all above average. It’s like the Lake Wobegon of medical screenings. I got to see my heart and arteries on an ultrasound and when they put the ultrasound on my belly, I found out that I wasn’t pregnant, which is strangely disappointing.

There were only two disturbing parts of the battery of tests.

Disturbing Item 1:

They took a picture of my heart and said that the Cardiologist would contact me later with the results. They said that’s how it has to be done for everyone, but it’s a little scary when every other test they tell you the results right there and congratulate you, then they take a picture or your most important organ (except for your genitals) and tell you that they’ll have to have a specialist call you and tell you how it came out.

Disturbing Item 2:

Rubbing that weird gel on you is creepy. I’m not entirely convinced that it was necessary for the ultrasound. I suspect that she put it on me because she doesn’t get to see many people with 10% body fat so she wanted to oil my muscles so she would have something to visualize about when she makes love to her husband.

Nurse: Okay, just look straight ahead and tell me that I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen.

Ninja: Ummm, if you were 30 years younger, that would only be half as creepy as it is now. Are you sure this is a legitimate test.

Nurse: Are YOU a doctor? Do you have any kind of medical training?

Ninja: Well, no but—

Nurse: Then be quiet and follow the procedures. Okay rub the lotion on your skin while I touch myself.

Ninja: Nurse?


Ninja: Wow…that’s a creepy Silence of the Lamb vibe. Luckily this conversation is
imaginary too.

Nurse: Well, lucky for you…but I’ll still think about you when I make love to my husband tonight.

Ninja: ewwww.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Ouch! Stock Thoughts.

Someone asked me recently why I matched the contributions in the charity raffle at the DC Blogger Happy Hour. There were two reasons. 1) Catholic Guilt; and 2) Ninja Stock Picks (tm) have been doing remarkably well over the past 6 months. I was actually up about 22% in the past 6 months on my Ninja investment strategy. So I donated a bunch of money to other charities and I figured the Karma from one more donation donation couldn't hurt. Anyway, most of you should skip most of this post and get to the point, which will be in the last paragraph, or you can read my babbling for a bit.

Proving that no good deed goes unpunished, my largest holding (Smith & Wesson) is down considerably in the past 2 days. I would say that it's getting killed, but it's a gun manufacturer, so I think the joke is in poor taste (unlike my jokes about the Pope and Dead Hookers). I'm still up about 40% on it, but that's down from 75%. I had a feeling that I should sell, but I didn't want to sell 'till next year because I didn't want to pay taxes on it. I guess I got greedy. Anyway, I'm glad to report that all my other current holdings (except for Endo) are still positive. This includes my two housing/construction related stocks that my friends said I was crazy for buying.

HANESBRANDS INC (HBI) up about 18%
PRAXAIR INC (PX) up about 11%
SEABOARD CORP DEL (SEB) up about 43%
SMITH & WESSON HLDG CO (SWHC) up about 40% (down from 75%)
USG CORP (USG) up about 16%

When I get my Investing Ninja blog up and going, I'll explain why I invested in these. I think now may be a good opportunity to buy some Smith and Wesson, but I think I own enough of it so I'm not buying more (yet).

If I were to buy more, it would be:

Owens Corning (which I own in my retirement account, and will do well now that it has gotten rid of its asbestos liability in bankruptcy).
Hanes (now my largest holding, and cheap relative to other apparel makers)
Seaboard (still undervalued compared to Smithfield, its competitor).
Patterson UTI (natural gas drillers will do well when this winter proves to be colder than people anticipated).

Anyway, after the new year I'll set up the ninja investing blog with specific entry and exit points so I can brag about my awesomeness in a new forum. I don't think one blog is big enough to house my ego, so my blog empire must grow like a powerful skin rash until it's all over the internet and people can't help but look at it wonder "isn't there something you can put on that to make it go looks disgusting."


Well, my point about this has to do with Endo, my down stock. Many of you may have stocks that are down this year, and if you do, then you should sell...NOW. If you hold onto the winners, you don't pay taxes on them until you sell. But if you sell the losers, you can claim a tax deduction this year, which is like cash in your pocket. If you still like the stock (even though it lost you money), you can re-buy it back after 30 days in your regular account or immediately in your IRA account and you can still claim the deduction, but end up owning the stock. Also, if you are doing some home renovations, remember that certain home improvements having to do with insulation or energy-efficient windows and doors are eligible for tax credits under the new energy bill. So...if you did buy energy-efficient windows or install insulation, be sure you get some money back on your taxes.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Blogger Happy Hour

Well, the Blogger Happy Hour was good. I don’t think as many people showed up as usual because it was freezing out, but all in all it turned out okay.

It turns out that I suck at raffles, but the fundraising went okay. The 50/50 raffle was won by some non-bloggers at a table who bought some tickets. In a way, it’s good that a non-blogger won, because if the winner had been a blogger with nice breasts that I was ogling, then it would look suspicious. Anyway, the winner was nice enough to donate half his winnings back to the charity. So in the end we raised $160. I thought we would raise more, so what I’ve decided to do is to match the donations dollar-for-dollar out of my own pocket and make it $320.

I won’t list the other bloggers who were there, because I don’t remember most of them. Some interesting highlights did include KassyK’s birthday and Velvet telling me (several times) that my sweater looks gay. In my sweater’s defense, I will say this. I don’t know the sexual orientation of the sweater. I have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy when it comes to sweaters. I bought the sweater believing that it was straight (european, but still straight), but I never bothered to ask it what it’s preferences are. I think there are some things that you just shouldn’t ask a knitted garment. I think the sweater and I are friends and I really don’t care what it does on its own time (even if it goes to eurotrash clubs like Ozio, Sexto Senso, and that bullshit Fly Lounge in DC).

But no matter what the sweater’s orientation, for the record, I am straight. I’m about as metrosexual as you can get, but still on the correct side of the line.

I don't have any pics of the sweater, but I think one might exist from the Happy Hour, so if we can find a pic, I'll post it on here and we can play a game of Gay or European, with you people voting.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Proof that I'm not a Jerk (as far as you know).

Ninjas have a long tradition of charity. In olden times, if a ninja was going to kill you on your birthday, they would ask you if you had a last request before you die. Many people asked to be spared, some asked for a threesome with double-jointed large-breasted twins, and some asked for flan. After you told them what your last request was, they would tell you to close your eyes and it would be granted. Then they would cut your head off-- without granting your wish. Although you didn’t get your last request, you would die happy because you died believing that your request would be granted.

The shadow warriors are also known for their unique gifts. For instance, if a ninja kills you on Christmas, he will reach into your chest, rip your heart out, then wrap it in a colorful festive ninja gift-wrap paper and give it back to you before you die. I should mention that if you are jewish, it’s not a good idea to be killed by a ninja on chanukah, because it involves ripping a piece off you every day for nine days, then handing it back to you, and on the last day, cutting your head off and making a dradle out of it. Not fun.

In the grand tradition of honoring the qualities of charity, mercy and giving for which the shadow warriors are known, I and I66 are hosting a happy hour where, in addition to abusing your liver, you can participate in a 50/50 raffle to raise money for charity. The winner will win half of what we take in and the rest will go to Manna, a charity that provides affordable housing for low-income people. It’s sorta’ like Habitat for Humanity, except that it’s a local charity, not a national one.

Since this is (mostly) a home improvement blog, I feel that this is a relevant charity. I know some of you are thinking “but ninja, this blog is also about libertarian rants, and ninja news (and now featuring ninja stock picks ™) why don’t you give to a charity that benefits one of those?” If that’s what you’re thinking, then I’m one step ahead of you, my dim-witted friend. But unfortunately, there are no charities dedicated to libertarian rants or ninja news (or charities that now feature Ninja Stock Picks ™). Therefore, housing it is!

Anyway, the event will be at the Science Club in DC on Friday. I think blogger happy hours are great because it gives the socially awkward an opportunity to interact with others in a setting that involves alcohol, which can lead to unprotected sex. That’s normally a bad thing, but most bloggers are probably virgins (or at least involuntarily celibate) and will be for the rest of their lives, so this presents an opportunity for their kind to procreate and perpetuate the species. Anyway, I hope to see you all there. If I’ve offended anyone and you would like to punch me in the face, feel free. I go by “home improvement ninja” but my real name is Donald Rumsfeld. See you soon!